Nabeeha Qadri : Welcome to the first episode of Never Again with Nabeeha. Today I am with my guest:

Murray Goff: Murray Goff, 12th grade, he/him pronouns, happy to be here.

Qadri: So what is something that you would never do again and why?

Goff: Okay, so here’s what I got so far, because it’s playing a pretty big moment in my life. It continues to be. So I go to YMCA camp Widjiwagan, I do adventures into the wilderness and I really enjoyed that. I would highly recommend it, but sometimes I’m not really thinking [that] when I’m on trail and so I’ll explain to you how this works.

So a portage, basically, you carry stuff from one lake to another. So I always want to be super helpful and carry as many things as possible, or not as many things as possible, but just like, heavy things, just to be helpful and get stuff done really fast. And so, one day we’re going on this small portage in Canada and I have decided, hey, I’m gonna take the big food pack of, like, I don’t even know, I don’t think we weighed them, but it can easily have been like, 50 pounds or more, just like strapped to your back and without a belt or anything. So basically, you’re just putting it on your shoulders and kind of just praying that it stays on.

But anyway, it’s really, really heavy and I took it. I’m like, Okay, this can be chill, but the portage that we were on was not terrible, but just uphill a bunch with a bunch of rocks and then downhill a bunch with a bunch of more rocks. But anyway, I’m coming down this big rock and so I think about going down these big rocks in like two different ways, like either you take your time and try to find steps that kind of go down and that can take a lot longer and especially because there’s a lot of brush off to the side of these portages, most of the time, it can be more difficult or and I don’t recommend this, as I’m about to explain, do not try to, like, hop, skip, kind of down the rock. It did not go so well. So I come up to this, this flat rock. It’s not like a super big deal, but there’s a spot where it looks like I can hop down on the side of the rock, where I don’t have to go down trying to figure out how to navigate. It’s easier, because, you know, I want to keep moving. And like, we’re really close to the end of the portage, like most of the group has already made it and I think I’m right at the right at the back, because I’ve really heavy either one of the really heavy packs, so like, the counselor who’s with us is right behind me.

But anyway, I’m going down this hill and I just, I think what happened is I twisted my left ankle, but with a massive food pack, I kind of just tipped. I can’t remember what, how I tipped. I think I tipped backwards, but there was still so much force going down this rock that it hyper extended my left knee. What else it didn’t help is that I hit like a dead branch when I was kind of going down. It’s not a big rock. It was like only, like 2 feet, but I hit a dead branch that was going down and it made a cracking sound. I’m like that better not be my bone. I was terrified, because I think this was like the third day on trail of like a 14, no 15-night, 16-day [trip]. And so we were far enough away that it’d be a very big inconvenience if I were to get a major injury. But anyway, I fell down with this massive food pack on my back. Hyper extended my knee and I thought I was, I thought I had, like, broken. I’ve never broken a bone, so I don’t know what it feels like, but I thought I’d like, broken my leg.

And I was like, This is terrible. So I’m just sitting there in so much pain because it hurts so bad and, like, it hurts so bad that there were, like, tons of mosquitoes. It hurts so bad that I kind of just gave up trying to kill the mosquitoes. I just, like, lay there and felt like I was covered in mosquitoes and it was not pleasant. So like, take it real slow and going down major rocks. Like, I probably should have just sat on my butt and just like, scooted down, like it’s not worth it. And like, even now that was, like, 2 to 3 months ago I was doing a karate class, last week, on Tuesday and it almost popped back out again, like I almost re-hyper extended it. Um, so it’s really affecting me going anywhere with that sort of stuff. Like, it’s not bad walking, but it is still such a pain. And I don’t know I would never do that again.

Qadri: How did it affect the rest of your trip?

Goff: So imagine feeling like a dead weight, because that’s basically what you are. So, to get down the rest of the portage, they had to, like, basically lean on 2 people’s shoulders, because I couldn’t put any weight on my left leg. Like, it was so bad that, like, if I tried to put weight on it, it would just, like, I would, like, just tip over. But anyway, for the rest of the trip, I basically couldn’t, not the rest of the trip. For the next, like, five days, I couldn’t carry anything like I could sometimes manage, like, a few paddles or, like, a few water bottles. But I couldn’t carry anything big, so I have to watch, like all of my really good friends, carry all of this heavy stuff. And I just can’t do anything. And so it’s like one of the worst feelings I had, because I already kind of felt like I was a dead weight, because everyone else seemed really strong and so not being able to do anything just made me feel terrible, because I know how heavy it all is and I know it’s not easy. So for sort of like, those couple of days, like when I was in the tent, if I needed to go to the tent to go eat dinner, I had to be like, Hey, someone come over here and help me up. I can’t get off the ground. And sleeping was such a pain, because I normally sleep on my side. So there’s no really comfortable way to sleep on your side when your leg just doesn’t bend certain ways. And so it was really tough. And then I got back and mostly it was fine. After that, I could walk. But just recently it’s been coming back and it just is such a pain.

Qadri: What if somebody else made the same mistake? What would you tell them?

Goff: You should have listened to this story, podcast, whatever? I would never do that again. I think I don’t know. Just take it, like, really easy. It’s like you. It’s not like I was being a dead weight on purpose so it’s not like you are being a dead weight on purpose either. Like, regardless of what your injury is, you’re not a dead weight because it’s not, it’s not, like, unless you did something really stupid, it’s not really your fault that you got that injury. And so no one can really be mad at you if you physically can’t do something, as compared to, like, oh, I don’t want to, you know. And so like, there’s no pressure. You don’t have to be the perfect person all the time. And like, don’t worry about it.

Qadri: If your experience had a warning label, what would it say?

Goff: Bro, take it really slow. Portages in Canada have really, really large rocks and just like, the rocks are so much slipperier than you think they’re gonna be. So like, take it really easy, or just stay in the Boundary Waters. It’s really smooth there.

Qadri: What surprised you the most about this experience?

Goff: Oh, just like, how much pain, like, I didn’t realize I’d get to the point where I just, like, did not care about the mosquitoes and I just never thought that would happen. Because normally, I have a friend who we always joke about, like, has terrible luck and he’s always the one that gets injuries on trail, like, he chipped his tooth wounds. So it was really surprising for me to be the one to get the major injuries on the trip. So I was just joking about stealing all of his “luck”. So that was, that’s what really surprised me.

Qadri: So is this like a trip that you do frequently?

Goff: It’s not the same trip, but like, I’m making progress. I did the progression at which he’s like, I started with trips in the Boundary Waters. And so this is, like, this summer when I hyperextended my leg, it was, um, it was a Quetico. So that’s like the Canadian equivalent of the Boundary Waters. It’s just like north of the border. And so that’s like, our trip specifically, was super long. It was all the way from, like, the top of the Quetico all the way down back to camp. So like 100 miles of paddling in 14 or 15 days. So yeah, that’s like the biggest tripI’ve done so far.

Qadri: So in the moment did it seem like a good idea, or do you realize only afterwards that it was a bad idea?

Goff: I think it’s always a good idea to try to carry things, because part of that trip was just trying to see how much you really could do as a person like I really just should have taken it much slower. I do tend to enjoy carrying the food packs, because those are just easier for me to balance than like a canoe going up a rock or down a rock. And like at the end of the trip, I was able to carry a bunch of stuff, like I did, 150-rod , about 16 feet carrying an aluminum canoe. So like I did, 150 times 16 or whatever, feet of walking with a massive aluminum canoe, which was like, 80 pounds or something. So, like, it’s not impossible. And I wasn’t like, like and, no, I did think it was really dumb in the moment that I’d even tried to do any of that. But like, like, don’t, don’t try to avoid something because it’s hard, you know. Like, just be careful when you’re doing something hard.

Qadri: What did you learn about yourself after this experience?

Goff: Oh, well, I learned kind of, well, yeah. How painful, how painful that is, but also just like, kind of my stubbornness, like I didn’t realize I was so stubborn. And like, I always, sometimes kind of feel like a dead weight. So it was really nice to see myself, like, getting better and trying to carry heavier and heavier things. And like, just like the progression just made me feel better, I guess, like seeing. From when I got my leg where I couldn’t move, to, like, carrying a big canoe at the end. It was just, it was nice to see and feel stronger.

Qadri: Those are all the questions that I have. Do you have anything else to add?

Goff: No, I would recommend those trips or just getting out in the wilderness in general, like, you know, disconnect. It was like 15 days without a phone or social media and it was just a nice reset. And also it’s just one of the things I like to do. Like, I have a hard time figuring out working out, because I think working out is really important, but I often know I’m like, Oh, what is the purpose? Like, oh, you’re going to a gym and just kind of doing something repeatedly. It’s not very mentally enjoyable. It’s mostly just like, oh, like, gotta get through this. But like, for the wilderness, how fast you do something is like you actually have to get somewhere, you actually have to do something. You actually have you see things, you feel things. And it’s like there’s more, like a life or death that, or not a life or death, but like more of an adventure to strengthen yourself, I guess. And that’s something I really enjoy and have trouble finding now, like in the cities.

Qadri: Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Never Again with Nabeeha. We will be back with more interesting “never again” stories. See you then!

Music: “Relaxing Lofi Chill” from WeVideo Music Library