Ike Obi-Walker: Think about the last time someone gave you advice you didn’t ask for. Maybe it was your parents telling you what classes to take. A teacher suggests a different activity. Or someone saying, “You should start thinking about college already.” Did that advice help you? Or did it just feel like pressure?

I’m your host, Ike Obi-Walker, and today we’re talking about unsolicited advice, the advice we don’t ask for but get anyway. We’ll look at when it can actually be helpful, when it’s not, and hear from students about their own experiences.

Tressyn Wiess: Tressyn Wiess, 12th grade, He/Him.

Obi-Walker: What unsolicited advice have you received that was actually helpful and that was not necessary?

Wiess: Unsolicited advice that was helpful most, the unsolicited advice I get comes from my family, which means I don’t want to listen to it, because they’re my family. But my dad mostly tells me to go to sleep, and I’d say I don’t need to sleep. Sleep doesn’t matter. And then as soon as I simply go to sleep, though all of my problems are so much better. I’m stressing out, and I don’t want to go to bed. No, I got to stay up, and I got to finish this thing. And he’s like: dude, just just just go to sleep. But I can’t, I gotta finish this thing. But then I go to sleep, and I wake up in the morning, and I’m like “Wow, I feel so much more able to actually manage my problems.” So that advice is good, unsolicited advice that was not helpful, anything regarding time management, mostly, again, also from my father, because he’s the master of unsolicited advice. Sleep thing helpful. When he said I was trying, I was talking about how I couldn’t get my work done because I was having trouble focusing. And the advice was as simple as focus. And I feel like that’s not very helpful.

Obi-Walker: What’s an example of advice that felt unnecessary or annoying?

Wiess: I’m not a morning person, and my dad was always trying to get me to go to the gym with him. And I prefer to go to the gym in the evening, because that’s when I’m awake. He’d tell me it’ll be good. You just have to get up earlier, and it did not work. You can’t force someone to be a morning person if they’re not. It just doesn’t happen.

Obi-Walker: How did that make you feel? Did you try to change anything because of it, or did you ignore it?

Wiess: I ignored his advice. I tried for a minute to change it and see if maybe he’s right. Maybe I just need to lock in and figure out how to get up early. And then after 17 different alarm clocks, none of which worked, I just gave up. And, I think I’m much happier being a night owl. And then here we are.

Obi-Walker: An article from Very Well Mind, by Elizabeth Scott, titled, Why Unsolicited Advice Causes Stress, found that unsolicited advice can feel like criticism and cause stress, especially if it feels judgmental. It also states that some people give advice because they want to help or connect with you, while it also goes to mention that setting boundaries can help manage unwanted advice, and learning to respond calmly is essential.

Obi-Walker: Why do you think people give unsolicited advice? Do you think it usually comes from a good place?

Wiess: I think usually it does. I think usually it’s coming from people, especially if they know you, they actually care, and they want to, you know, try their best to help you. But other times I feel like it’s a form of control, because people want to insert their opinions or they don’t belong, because they want to feel like their opinions are valid, so they need somebody else to validate those opinions for them. So I think it’s kind of like a 60-40 split, 60% trying to help. 40%, they just want to show off how good their advice is.

Obi-Walker: I think a lot of times, especially in high school, adults give advice because they care, even if it doesn’t always feel that way. High school is a time when people are figuring things out, and that can make adults nervous.

In your opinion, when is it okay to give someone advice?

Wiess: Honestly, if they ask for it, or if you’re like, “Hey, would you like me to give you some advice?” And they say, “Yes, please.” If they don’t ask for it, then don’t give it to them. You should ask them if they want some, and then you can give them advice.

Obi-Walker: One simple thing people can do is ask first, “Do you want advice or do you just want me to listen?” That one question can make a big difference.

Looking at your experiences, is there one area of your life where people keep giving you advice?

Wiess: Probably academic, because it’s from teachers, but that feels like solicited advice. I ask them. Hey, how can I improve in my personal life? I don’t think I find myself giving more advice than I receive, so I think it would probably just be school.

Obi-Walker: At the end of the day, unsolicited advice isn’t always bad, but it isn’t always helpful either. High school students hear a lot of opinions about what they “should” be doing. The important thing is learning how to listen, think critically, and make decisions that feel right for you.