Try something, fail and adjust: it’s how to learn what serves us and what doesn’t. When it comes to the discipline process in school, the more tools available to try, the better.  Restorative conversations in schools have gained popularity nationwide in the last five years. In theory, restorative conversations are a positive alternative for conflict resolution, but in practice, they don’t always live up to their name. Without proper communication and consistency around their place in the community, restorative conversations end without restoring anything at all.

It has not been made clear, by administration or otherwise, when a conflict will be addressed with a restorative conversation or when it calls for other alternatives. Restorative conversations should serve to make both parties feel at ease in their community early on, or else they can be perceived as a means to simply placate students who are hurt. Too often students in the SPA community have said that they feel like restorative conversations resulted in no change.

Furthermore, if a restorative conversation goes on for extended periods of time after a disciplinary consequence, the desire for closure may negate potential benefits. With the mindset that one is still being punished, any attempt at fruitful conversation is negatively impacted. According to a 2017 article titled “Why Shaming Doesn’t Work” by Krystine I. Batcho in “Psychology Today,” young people who feel shamed as a response to harmful or destructive behavior are consistently less likely to change their future habits. Dialogue may not even be intentional in shaming someone but have the same effect.  This is an important factor to consider with restorative conversations, but regardless, the fact remains that students need to be held accountable for their actions. Practices like community service or counseling sessions maintain the aspect of restoration and may be received with more success.

These practices are commonly used as alternative punishments in broader society. Counseling is often employed as a corrective practice. According to Stony Brook University’s counseling guidelines online, counseling serves to privately confront harmful or disruptive behaviors by offering constructive feedback. As a tool in the upper school, this can eliminate the feelings of embarrassment that may cause students to shut down in conversations with their peers, and could still incorporate students’ voices if the given counselor could be open to receiving messages or relay feelings shared by others (with permission) that would help address relevant issues during the session.

Community service is another widely successful disciplinary alternative that could be well-applied in the SPA community. According to a 2022 study published in the “Academy of Criminal Justice Societies” by Gwendolyn J. Koops-Geuze, both groups of young people considered high-risk and low-risk for returning to criminal behaviors were less likely to do so when they received community sentences, as opposed to custodial (jail) sentences. While high-stakes, this is comparable to the choice between community service or disciplinary action like suspension or expulsion. These alternatives far outweigh restorative conversations in their benefits, especially considering that in an escalated conflict, a student facing someone who has significantly hurt them may not be the appropriate solution. Inviting a student in this situation into a conversation will either reject the option or engage in ways that are not constructive.

Conflicts between students, often weighted with personal histories, need lots of alternatives for restoration. The school would benefit from inviting other tried and true alternatives for conflict resolution. Expanding the tools offers more to try and success.

Imagine this: a fight erupts between two students during class. The teacher, needing to de-escalate the conflict, sends the kids to the office. An administrator tells the students they shouldn’t disrupt the class and sends them back.

This may serve as a short-term solution, but it’s unlikely to prevent more harm in the future if kids get nothing more than a verbal slap on the wrist and their differences are not worked out.  This situation is common in schools across the country. The solution is restorative conversation, a process necessary for conflict resolution.

Students who are not actively participating in conversations regarding their own disputes don’t learn how to resolve those disagreements. Since restorative conversations encourage students to speak about their issues with the other people involved, they can better recognize their current situation.

When it comes to punishment, bias is inevitable. According to the Intercultural Development Research Association (IDRA), students of color are much more likely to be given harsh consequences, such as expulsion or suspension, due to unconscious bias. Addressing the foundational issues of the conflict will help prevent harm to these students. As written in a statement published in 2023 by the IDRA: “Exclusionary discipline is not the answer to bullying, harassment or discrimination.” By making assumptions and creating punishments, the administration cannot create tangible behavior change.

Taking accountability is undeniably difficult. It’s hard to admit one’s faults and wrongdoing, which is why having conversations during these conflicts is a valuable experience. Young people have a difficult time taking accountability, so if it’s optional, students may choose to opt out. Restorative conversations set the expectation that students recognize the impact of their actions in a way they may not have previously been aware of. While in an ideal situation it would be easy to see one’s mistakes and apologize, that’s not the reality.

Allowing for differences in perspective helps students recognize the impact of their actions. Restorative justice conversations allow for students to learn how to resolve conflict without judgment. When exiting high school, students will engage in conflicts in college, workplaces and anywhere life may take them. Conflict is an unavoidable aspect of life, and having the tools at hand to resolve it is an invaluable skill to possess.  A major part of the restorative justice conversation process is using “I feel” statements. The statements consist of speaking about the feelings that “I” have regarding the conflict. While these types of statements may seem unnecessary, they are the foundation of building empathy.

These statements allow students who may not understand their actions to recognize the harm inflicted.  Restorative justice conversations make an impact on conflicts down the line. According to the Learning Policy Institute, student behavior and overall safety in schools increase when using restorative conversations. However, in some situations, restorative conversations may feel uncomfortable for one of the students involved. These students would not be avoiding accountability but due to the severity of the situation, not engaging for their well being. In those circumstances, restorative justice does not need to be explored.

This does not mean that these conversations do not provide clarity, empathy and conflict resolution skills. While it might feel uncomfortable, enter into a restorative conversation with trust and good intentions. The benefits may surprise you.