Human toes should be detachable.
I’m not saying this to stir controversy or produce clickbait. I just think it would be incredibly helpful.
My feet at the moment ache like they’ve been torn apart by weasels for 36 hours straight, not counting bathroom breaks. When I walk my hips are stiff like a hair sprayed mustache, causing me to look like I’ve just recently been fitted with two peg legs. But honestly two peg legs doesn’t sound half bad, since not only is one always better than two, but sharing that much in common with a pirate would likely be so exhilarating I’d likely never feel pain again. Yet here I am with my poor pedials aching profusely, and all I have to blame are raggedy costume closet heels that are two sizes too small. That’s what happens when you have big feet like I. Almost all the shoes on the market are designed for people with average size dogs, and when your pups aren’t like the rest of the litter, the capitalist rules of supply and demand give them a spanking. Yet as a person with hooves slightly more massive than others, I would never say goodbye to my trotters. You know what they say about big feet: our balance is about 2% percent better. Also we generally contain about 5% more superiority and growth mindset. Obviously as someone ranking high on the food chain I should be at ease in finding comfortable shoes to carpet my kingly creepers. So that is why I once again present my proposal. Human toes should be detachable.
It would help everyone, including people with mid sized tootsies. When you’d find a pair of shoes you wouldn’t have to worry about them fitting or not. You could just pluck off a couple of toes and they’d fit like a sock. And think about how happy those liberated toes are gonna feel. They’ve been spending their entire lives trapped with four other stinky wrigglers, unable to develop their own thoughts and opinions without the company of others. They deserve a nice trip to Bora Bora. I bet they’re small enough you could stick two in an envelope and only need one stamp. If you think your feet are going places now, imagine where they could be vacationing in the near future.
Detachable toes are the future. Now I’m sure the first few test runs will have a couple hiccups. There may be a few digits lost to the perils of science and the home vacuum, but in order for society to progress we need to step over our dactyl hurdles. In the future our toes will be as customizable as rubber Polly Pocket doll clothes or the doodads you put in Crocs. I’m sure they’ll make a satisfying *rrripp* noise when removed and it’ll be even more satisfying to flip them all upside down and walk around carrying bowls of future soup upright on the scalp of the foot.
There are no downsides. None whatsoever. Only funny toe themed pranks and amply fitting shoes. This article is less of a persuasive opinion piece and more of a roadmap of the future. I am simply the toe relieved oracle giving you the hot deets of what is to come.
I stand on a toeless foot. Happy and free of all my toefull burdens. No longer toe is me, for although at this moment my feet ache, I stand tall knowing in the near future we will all be able to rip off our toes like fresh velcro.