“I’m starving.” “I’m exhausted.” “The weather’s awful.”

During often forced social interactions, habitual complaints are easy to resort to. But when each conversation begins as an expression of dissatisfaction, negativity is only exacerbated.

The thing about small talk is that, by definition, it is lighthearted. The goal of small talk, especially in academic environments, is usually to fill silence and break the ice around individuals who are not particularly comfortable or close with one another. Mistaking each opportunity for small talk as the time to grumble about inconveniences is incredibly unnecessary and harmful.
In addition to moving towards eliminating complaints from daily small talk-filled conversations, replacing small talk with deeper level conversations is vital for deeper human-to-human connection. In a 2021 study published by the American Psychological Association, researchers found that people overwhelmingly tend to overestimate the awkwardness and underestimate the connections and happiness conversations with strangers can bring. The study, which examined over 1,800 participants who were involved in many different types of facilitated conversations, found that these widespread miscalibrated expectations lead to cautious conversations on much more surface-level topics.
One author of the study, Nicholas Epley, PhD, noted the disconnect between the conversations that fulfill humans most and peoples’ resistance to cultivate these same conversations. “Connecting with others in meaningful ways tends to make people happier, and yet people also seem reluctant to engage in deeper and more meaningful conversation,” he said. Initiating these types of conversations that don’t depend on complaining for sustenance and go beyond “what class do you have next?” can be genuinely difficult when they have become so conditioned in human’s social tendencies. However, it’s a matter of pushing past the discomfort and training these conversational skills to become second-nature.

That’s not to say complaints aren’t ever appropriate, though. Generally categorized into the three categories of venting, ruminating, and problem solving; complaining is natural and necessary in certain situations. Acknowledging and reflecting on upsetting situations or emotions can actually benefit psychological health in the long run. More often than not, though, the opportunity to genuinely process complaints won’t be while waiting for class to begin or in the lunch line. Rather—with a trusted friend, family member, or even in a journal or voice notes on your phone.
Next time you find yourself sitting in the discomfort of silence with a peer, stranger, or acquaintance, take the risk of asking them something meaningful, and care enough to listen to their answer.